It has been just over 6 years since I saw her. I lost a huge part of myself those few days and I have yet to recover them. It's Dec 25, 2013 and I feel just as empty as ever. I met her at Arizona State, in the only class we ever had together. She sat right next to me. After the first class ended, she headed to her next class and I found myself running after her. I caught up to her, but I never really did stop running.
I had no intention of thinking about this woman today. All I did was wake up from a nap with a broken heart and Vanessa's name on name on my lips. In fact, I have done everything possible to move on. I am left with the conclusion that I left a part of me with her and I have yet to reclaim it.
She never was with me. She was seeing someone else, as was I. But there were very intense moments between us that while not sexual, were definitely an act of unfaithfulness within our relationships.
Those last few days were not long enough and those last few words of hers are still with me, "Is it possible to love two people?". I hung up the phone. I had never been so hurt before. This woman I was completely helpless for since day one could not just say to me, "I love you.". The odds are pretty good that if she said that to me, I would be fine. I would have been able to stop running after her.
I hope to see her again some day. I hope I can tell her how angry I am that she couldn't say those three words to me. I could tell her I am angry that she chose the wrong man, how angry I am that I missed my chance to fight for her, how angry I am that she was looking for reasons we wouldn't work, and how angry I am that I let her.
But mostly, I want to see her again so I can hug her and forgive myself for loving someone so much I couldn't move on. I want to hold her one more time so I can let go of her.
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